Heyla! Anyone home? I have bipolar (primarily depressive), 20+ years of chronic pain (that's not having a day without pain... I hurt before that, but not every day osteoarthritis for the main, 7 knee surgeries), and just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia this year. But as to why I'm here! My 13 year old son is bipolar/ADD and just got a provisional diagnosis of Asperger's (provisional because of not having had enough tests done). Everyone in my family went, "Oh that is soooOOOOooo not a shock". He has a 15 (16 in August) sister who is bipolar/ADD/anxiety disorder and their father is rapid cycle bipolar with paranoid tendencies (think daily swing, monthly swing, yearly swing... while on lithium that he takes regularly). My new husband is only ADD and rather... lost. Oh wait, I'm a bit lost too. Bipolar I know. Asperger's though, not so much. Pleh! Pleh! Anyone here a lifeguard? We're stuck in a small college town south of Nashville, TN and because of my knees I avoid driving like the plague so finding a social skills group is... so not going to happen (even if I had the money ::sigh::).

This is a boy who doesn't want friends. Mind you, I've only had one or two at a time my entire life. My mom is the same way. My daughter is the odd one in our family because I think she actually has about 6 or so. I'd just like him to at least have one so he has a chess partner. How do I help teach him to make friends? I've done the mom car talks (what is it about talking in the car that makes it easier to talk?) and he's reported very very overt gestures from other kids and his responses are beyond flat. If it wouldn't hurt so much (my IV when his sister was born hurt worse than the contractions) I'd tear out my hair. Honest. Okay, back to work.
  • Current Music
    The Truth Beneath the Rose - Within Temptation

(no subject)

Hi everyone. I am a 34 year old girl who was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder after years of misdiagnosis at age 30. About a year ago they also diagnosed me with ADHD.

The latter was something I suspected I had for over 20 years. however I gave up asking doctors about it and learned to cope because no one would test me. When a doctor without prompting said I had it, and my therapist of a year told me he thought I had been diagnosed already I was relieved.

I recently was hospitalized and told I had Borderline Personality Disorder as well.

Currently I am only taking medications for my Bi-Polar disorder, and Borderline. I am trying to decide about my ADHD.

I am not sure I agree with my Borderline diagnosis. Yes, I can be self-destructive, but only in times of incredible stress, I have never been promiscuous (Heck, I have hardly dated and when I do it is not successful.), I do not nor have I ever taken drugs, I do disassociate, but I mean I do that even at the grocery store. I never realized that is what it was, that tunnel vision type feeling, I just thought everyone felt that way.

I guess because I have an early abusive record then they just stamp you Borderline?

The ADHD seems to help me overcome many of the social difficulties I have as I am kind of witty, and off the wall. So it sort of covers up other social quirks I have.

I also suspect I have AS, after some things that have been said in the group therapy I currently attend. A person can add two and two together.

I did some research on the subject and it seems to fit.

Now I want to be tested for it, but am having trouble. They keep saying "It is the Borderline." Just like with the ADHD, I keep hitting a brick wall. It is really frustrating.

Whatever is going on it has and is constantly affecting any type of friendships I have. Except on-line, where I have many friends. I don't have the need for a lot of friends. I can spend a lot of time on my own and do enjoy that, but like everyone I would like a couple friends who share similar interests and with whom I can spend time and have fun.

Any advice besides the plugging along I am doing now?

Thank you.
  • Current Mood
    curious curious
A-hole Shades

(no subject)

Dear Dad,

Please do not accept the word of Mom as gospel. You know she likes to blow it all to the proportion her mind makes it. Then you get to repeat her words to your wife... so if I may just clarify.

I am having an OCD Attack. I chose to give up alcohol immediately when I realized that fact. It happened before, over a longer period. It has come to a point where I am ignoring bills and forgetting appointments because my mind is literally so concentrated elsewhere... because I know there is not enough money for all of it, I just spend it as it goes, and the bills are behind again, but not unmanageably so; it's not a hole I can't fill in two months.

But here's the thing, the obsession/compulsion is a fount of creativity and understanding. I have become a mimic... I can learn to speak any language (english based only, so far) only by listening and noting patterns. I literally had one Christian today ask me if I was Buddhist because I had just talked him in so many circles about God. I have discovered the ability to play rhythm guitar by ear, hear the rhythm on one side, the lead on the other, in my head. If I hear it in my head, I can narrate you how to play it by reading the tabs, and I learned the frets by number and the fingering by number combinations instead of chords, and this evening I had a guitar player tell me what chords I had just played, without ever picking up a guitar in my life. I have also made several patterns and connections with similarity to rhythm and rhyme. I can now freestyle rap. I can write a haiku without paper. I can improvise a commercial about anything I see, :30, :60, however long, and then do four more completely different versions. I literally just had a 20 minute conversation with my 28 year old drunk neighbor, and by the end had sold him a thirty second spot for $50 by improvising it in front of him... only in the last two minutes of our conversation. And it's so lifelike that it's live on HD Radio in real time! I can sell anything by relating it instead of telling it. I have improvised spots about screws (wanna screw? I'll give you a GOOOD one...) or Holly Berries, Green Holly Berries, by omitting what they were until the end and describing their ultimate potential to feed your birds once they turn red.

All I did was narrate the story I imagined, which involved the President of Malone Tree Service, Jeff Malone, because he cares about you so much, climbing that really tall tree... you know the one, it's been threatening to drop a limb on you for a week... or it could fall on your house, or that nice car you just got detailed... or your family. But Jeff really cares about you that much... and Jeff really was there Punctuating every Point I had with the word YEAH! Like I had just convinced him to Vote for the first time!

I'm ready to start learning languages now, I can already think in so many dialects and I find myself translating two out of three Spanish words by their latin roots. So your middle child is a savant. I learn everything by listening, watching, being OBSERVANT, and I CAN'T sit still normally, not for a class with a speaker who does NOT attract my attention or interest me in opening the book. But I have had good teachers give me A Grades because I just kept them interested. I also Know now that I will complete college when I am determined to ask others to study with me, and I will just explain how I learn it... in their words. And use metaphors, and show patterns, and narrate it or show it so they get it rather than just tell them and expect them to listen. That's my career, I explain, I sell things to you, I make you imagine them even if you're blind. So I imagine how to describe it to a blind person. Or how to speak the body language of it so a deaf person or foreign speaker or even a Cat, Dog, or Baby gets the gist. Come at them from as many auditory angles at once as possible, music, natural sound, and voiceover all at once. On HD Radio they can Hear why you deserve the Best Use of Sound Award, and it's here!

I spent 15 minutes with an Improv troupe this afternoon and kicked their asses. I intend to join that troupe unless I get a full time job elsewhere that can pay for the psychological care I need to do the news... and the fix for the WORST case of Acid Reflux Heartburn (Reporter's reflux)... otherwise going freelance, offering any service I could have. I can e-mail a picture or make you a poster and send it to you from that picture I just took of you, just write your address on a dollar. I can write you a limerick based on your hat, what do you think it's worth for that? I speak so you will get the words I mean because it's all spelled out... IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER. I can even write a pop song. I have an hours worth of audio of improvising off people's appearance and demeanor, my reactions only, so you get to wonder WHAT was on that T-shirt... and every .com I see, I read it out loud twice. Because those are all billboards. Suddenly I am a Walking, funny headlines, commentary and ads, on the radio, and I fully intend to sell that Idea to the guy who runs fark, as a viral, ad based, audio visual blog, where I give live-on-tape endorsements. I am conceiving HD radio for the 21st century because there needs to be free, ENTERTAINING entertainment on the radio and in real life because this is the top of the Rollercoaster, we're not stopping until the dollar deflates the Dow to 9000 or less! So I intend to do it all freelance at Maybe even start filing for NPR. I can do that from Atlanta... or wherever the job takes me, because I can do so many of them, and I need to do so full time simply for my health, to afford better healthcare, first off, with another car... and the equipment I'll need, and then the excesses I choose.

So to bring it back to the point, I have had to discover all of these things silently. Mom already did not believe I have a mental disorder. So I had to scream it at her in English and Body Language (oh, discovered that I can be a mime too, did that today on the MARTA Train). I can READ body language, and speak it to cats, dogs, even gay men, and get their attention. And I can bring you out of your shell because I can tell you exactly how you're feeling. Then I can make you smile. And I did it for two days straight just for practice. Next summer I may do it in character at Ren Fest. This has been my stream of consciousness lately... in a big circle. I did all of it while Mom was having Bipolar Attacks AT me, exactly how I narrate them, only screaming because she is angry in the moment, saying things you don't mean at all, because I'm Angry at that moment, in the first second and third persons all at once. She wonders where I got the genes for it... I feel dad did the day we moved from Columbus, drove all the way from Oklahoma for her to give away his second and third kids permanently, then WALKED back from dropping off the Ryder Truck... SIX MILES! Because it was inconvenient enough to make her complain before she conceded to give him a ride. You'd rather walk because you were tired of hearing it, at least if I were you that's how I'd feel. Mom has kicked me out of the apartment without forcing me to go anywhere. I'm already gone as far as she notices, but I'm welcome to stay until Labor day. And she has no idea what has just happened to me. She doesn't want to know, she doesn't ask, she only wants to complain about the latest thing her great job has done to piss her off. So not only all these things, but now when I get back I will hopefully be equipped to move anywhere immediately, with my cat. My couch rental runs out in August unless I pay her $50 AND another months groceries and chores and all the smoke and wine necessary to keep her from screaming for the entire night!

I have become a walking radio, voiceovers and opinions, music and commercials, all live. And had some great ideas for viral marketing to boot! I am also fully prepared to walk into a production studio and cut a personalized demo for anyone who asks, or improvise it into the voice recorder as though I'm leaving a voice message for exactly :30. If you can't hold their attention for that long... and then be able to keep it long enough for the next thirty second thought! That includes talking a stream of consciousness in a circle to a microphone for as long as one CD holds to show you I can host an entire talk show without callers as long as I can talk to someone who relates to a conservative libertarian male who just aged into the 25-54 demo and loves to bend words so they hook you.... so far the only people I've managed to piss off enough to stop listening have been those who suddenly found themselves without a counterargument!

So. Instead of getting angry I finally learned to turn the other cheek, and I will just prove it and come back to mom without the need ever to ask anything of her ever again, and then offer to share with her anyway. That started the blowup in the first place... the fact that I had dug myself a dilemma, found the solution, executed it, and to no detriment to myself, undid it, without taking her advice OR borrowing any money from her to do it. I have learned to live quietly and conservatively while still enjoying life, and I'll start with the things I need and what I've committed to, and then I'll have a budget to expand. So, thank you for worrying. I hope I have just shifted it to a different reason.

Love, Andrew
"J" for Jo!

My Brother Doesn't Want to Know

Okay, my brother, who is 19 and has Asperger's, doesn't talk about or acknowledge he has it. I've never talked to him about it before either. It's just, he is how he is and I love him anyway and I give him advice to the best of my ability and we just deal with his little 'tendencies'.

Well, I helped him out by having him move to this state to live with me for a little while. He had more chances of finding a job here with me than where he was living with our parents. He got a job, and they kind of screwed him over the other day. He gave them a heads up that come June, he will be leaving the state. He was scheduled to work yesterday and I brought him to work. Then they told him he wasnt' working because they cut his hours. WTF? He picked up his schedule for next week and they have him scheduled for ZERO hours. He didn't understand...June is more than a couple of weeks away...I told him it sounds like they are being vindictive he is leaving. He went in there again to talk to the manager, to be sure that they are aware he is leaving in June, not NOW. He said she was very nice to his face, but she would turn her head and look at the girl next to her, kind of making a face.

Now I know at least with my brother and from what I understand with Asperger's, but they don't really read body language from others well, and from what he described, it was hard for me to determine if my brother was pestering her, (which, he does ask a lot of questions, but we're used to it--outsiders may not be aware, but it's not intentional) or if she was really just being a bitch.

So while I was talking to him, he was really offended thinking she was being a bitch. I tried to get him to understand, that people don't know him, or know his condition, are going to lose patience with him. He asked what condition. I told him his Asperger's Syndrome. He got all offended, "I'm not retarded!" I told him no, he's not retarded. I never said he was retarded. He said he didn't know, but as I kept assuring him its ok and I know he knows, then he brought up how in middle school when he was diagnosed the kids in school called him retarded and stuff. I told him kids are mean and its because they don't understand. He just wanted to drop the subject and not talk about it anymore.

I don't want him to be like this. I want him to understand everything about himself. Wouldn't it make his life easier, rather than living with the paranoia and misunderstandings, especially now that he is an adult and will be interacting with people more on his own than having me or our parents around?
"J" for Jo!

My Brother has AS

My brother is 19 and was diagnosed with AS I think maybe 9 years ago. He refuses to be medicated, and doesn't speak about it at all. I am 30 and moved out of my parents house when I was 18. John was my little baby and I always took care of him when were were younger. Now, for the first time in 12 years, he's been living with me since March. I am reading some of the entries in here describing their family member or friend with AS and I have to's cute to see the similarities in their character traits.

I helped him get his first job and he's doing really good at it. I'm really proud of him, but I'm incredibly worried as well. Somehow, he was accepted to go into the US Air Force. I worry that he will not make it. He lacks common sense. He's very 'by the book' and if you want him to do something, he doesn't think outside the box, he does exactly what you tell him. In a way, I think he's perfect for the military. In another way, I'm afraid that will hurt him. I dunno.

He talks to himself all the time. He has full on conversations alone in the shower. He doesn't realize we can hear him. He constantly takes photos of himself with the cell phone camera. He loves to work out. He likes looking at himself in the mirror. He gets his eyebrows waxed (that's my fault, I introduced him to waxing to get rid of his 'unibrow') and in the car I joke and call him "DJ JOHN" because he likes to pick the music and usually he will play the songs he likes over and over again.

I try not to get annoyed with him. I try to understand it's the autistic side of him, but, some days, I want to yell at him. lol

I love my little bro.
haneul bl

A Hello and a some Questions

Hey everyone! I'll just start right out with some history.

My sister was diagnosed with Asperger's about 5 or 6 years ago. It was all pretty good until about a year ago. But when she was in 6th grade, she got frustrated about something and threw her chair off the table. I guess that was why my mom went to go see if, you know, there was something different about her. I think that's how we found out.

Anyway, that was the only incident/major problem until about a year or so ago. She's always been sensitive. I remember once she told me she cried because she couldn't sleep because the crickets outside were too loud.

I guess the major things started with the computer. We would randomly hear banging and pounding coming from her room. And when she was in her room, she was usually on the computer. Like, maybe the internet was really slow. She'd bang her desk. And she runs around the house. She kinda whispers to herself sometimes, too. And she seems extremely self-centered. And she used to hit herself, but I don't think she does that anymore.

Now, I don't wanna offend anyone here because I know there's nothing she can do about it, it's just the way she is. It just gets so frustrating sometimes. My biggest peeve about it is that it's like she doesn't even comprehend that there are other people in the world. Like, most of my family wakes up pretty early. She's kinda anal about 'getting enough sleep', even though I know she gets plenty of sleep every night. She whines about how everyone is so loud in the morning, like she expects us to stunt our own lives because she wants to get more sleep that she doesn't really need. I mean, fine, she's the way she is, I think I can deal with that. It only bugs me when it imposes onto me, and everyone else.

She runs around the house, like I said. We live with our grandparents now, and I'm kinda worried that she might be running around the house sometime, not paying attention, and run into my grandma and break her hip. And my grandparents probably aren't the most understanding people. I mean, they want the best for us, but they just...don't get a lot of things. I don't know if they fully understand her situation. I don't think they even know she has a situation. And to be quite honest, I don't think I fully understand it either. I haven't researched it much. All I know is that it's basically a high-functioning autism and there are just filters in her brain that aren't like the rest of us. Tell me if I'm wrong about that. I'd like to know more, so I can deal with this better. I think way deep down, I'd just rather get rid of it, even though I know I can't, because I don't wanna have to deal with it.

Anyway. That's my rant. Hope I didn't offend anyone. I'd appreciate any info and help. Thanks. :)
  • frelsun

Self Diagnosis?

I don't recall ever being diagnosed as having Asperger's, but lately I am really beginning to think I might have it. I was in the university life for 7 years, then after I left it, the possibility of having it seems more real. Universities have social rules that the rest of the world does practice, and perhaps, such environments are comfortable for people with Asperger's. For example, it has been hard for me to grasp the fact that even people who are capable of it do not want to have discussions about deep sociological matters or the meaning of life every moment of the day. In the university setting, one is more likely to be able to have intellectual stimulation constantly, but the rest of the world isn't often like that.

Also I was working with kids with disabilities after graduate school. I related to them real well. There was this one autistic kid who had great social difficulties. The other staff just could not figure out how to integrate him into the social environment. Then ironically, I was assigned the task of helping him with social skills. This is ironic because I have a hard time making friends and could never understand how effortlessly people did it, but my presence really made a difference and he underwent a 180 degree change! Instead of going home crying, he went home telling his parents how much fun he had in school. Could it because he finally found an adult who understands life from his point of view?

Also since graduate school, I have lived in the Twin Cities, and find the place very cold and ailenating. How do people go to cities and find friends? I finally realized it's something about pockets: you find smaller environments where you can get to know people, which is better than approaching random strangers. I don't understand the logic of cities or suburbs. However do people make friends if all they do is talk on their cell phones and stay inside their suburban prisons?

I wrote an entry about self diagnosing my potential Asperger's Syndrome. I ask how many of you are self diagnosed and what validity do people attribute to self diagnosis? With alcoholism, you may go to a support group and say, "I'm an alcoholic", but how often does it work the same way with Asperger's?

If you are interested and I hope you are, here is a journal entry where I self diagnosis:
pocket rat


bouncy, pouncy, brave and adventurous. I took myself out to see HUMANWINE last night, on recommendation from a friend. The drummer plays in the Dresden Dolls, a duo I really like. It was a smallish venue, not crowded, and the band ROCKED! The only gal dancing harder than I was couldn't have been much more than half my age ;) Then again, I've never seen the point of acting my age, so I don't. Bought the CD and would love for friends to hear it. I found myself singing along to music I'd never heard - rather magical. Losing myself in the movement is a new experience for me, one that I am beginning to seek out, and value deeply. Too many years of being terribly self-conscious. Ick. Walking through downtown in the snow last night was lovely. Terrible dissonance when I saw the old-fashioned gas lights out front of Hooters. Who the hell thought that one up?

My general mood upswing started on Saturday, thanks to great quantities of hugs and snuggles from lovely people, and my own ever-changing brain chemistry. I enjoy the hyper bit, and seem to keep my common sense about me most of the time. Have to admit that Monday night I was a bit over the top, but no harm done. I have a feeling that I am floating closer to centered today. woke up early (before 7, anyway) and got chores done before coffee. Hmm, perhaps still buzzing a bit high. It's looking like a good day.
  • Current Music
    HUMANWINE -worthless ode
will i ever

Hell's Fire

Heaven sings
Angels soar
I am sand upon the beach
no more
I've passed through the
gates of hell
Poured myself into the
Wracked with pain
my heart's desire
to shape myself
find beauty within
molten mass
brisk cold air
will harden misshapen
Turned with care
Breathed upon
Paddled, pinched, poked
A cherub arises
from the smoke
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
pocket rat


Beautiful, fragile fantasy
Perfectly shaped, looks
exactly as I want it to appear.
Tide is rising
Waves lap at the shore.
The first lick at the foundation
and beauty starts to crumble.
No amount of grabbing
at sand
at water
Prevents collapse.
Beauty gone, chaos reigns
Sand began as stone
Solid ideals backed by cliffs
Worn from foundation by
years of incessant waves
Constant criticism, judgement,
Undermining connections to
what was good, solid, real
Not a fragile fantasy built
desperately from fragments
that tenuously hold together
for brief moments of time.
Conditions must be perfect for
sand castles
Unlike rocks on cliffs, that
withstand so much wear
Sun, wind, waves, water, cold
Even the strongest wear down
after facing the inexorable.
Each wave beating is just one
Unique in size,
taken alone,
easily ignored,
seemingly negligible.
Over eons,
rock to
good for nothing
but walking on
fleeting flights of fancy.